Dear Mason and Teo,

I was brought up Catholic. My parents have been married in the church for over 20 years. My mom recently left my dad. She says that God told her to leave him. How can that be? Don’t the vows say, what God puts together no man must break? My family is falling apart. My brothers, my sister and I are hurt by all of this. What makes a marriage valid? (Broken Family)

Dear Broken:

Please do not blame yourselves for the breakup in your family. Family is rooted in marriage and marriage forms family. God made humans in the image of the Trinity — Father, Son and Holy Spirit — a family of persons.

When a man and woman get married and become one body, nine months later they give this third person a name. “So, they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate” (Matthew 19:6). In this universal human experience, God reveals the truth of each person and the call to love.

Amazingly, God the Son entered human history by way of the family — Mary, Joseph and Jesus. Jesus lived a life within an earthly image of the eternal Trinity. Marriage provides the perfect image of our ultimate home. Human marriage is a living analogy of the divine community.

Satan would like to destroy the family by deceiving us and distorting the truth. The Father of Lies wants us to forego seeking the truth in the Holy Trinity, by pursuing the lonely trinity — Me, Myself and I. The movement of an evil spirit leads to useless, curious and impertinent things.

But the Holy Spirit leads to life and truth. Is God really telling your mother to leave your father? That is difficult for an outsider to discern unless you know for sure that the marriage is unlawful or abusive.

The church does have rules and guidelines to determine whether a marriage is valid or not. But it can get complicated. The diocese has a tribunal, an office established to assist with problematic and questionable marriage cases.

In order for the marriage of Catholics to be valid, first there must not be what the church calls “impediments to marriage” — conditions that would prevent a marriage from being legitimate in the eyes of the church.

There are many impediments. They include being underage, permanent impotence, the couple being too closely related, the existence of a previous valid marriage, and certain religious conflicts.

Second, the “proper form” of the sacrament must be followed for the marriage to be valid. Proper form requires the presence of an official witness (a priest or deacon) who receives their consent in the name of the church and two other witnesses (best man or maid of honor) who are also present for the exchange of vows.

Therefore, baptized Catholics who marry outside the church — in a civil ceremony or in another denomination — marry invalidly. A dispensation from the form can be granted to a Catholic who wishes to marry a non-Catholic and has sufficient reason to hold the ceremony in a non-Catholic setting.

Third, a valid marriage requires that the potential spouses have the proper capacity to exchange consent and do so freely and unconditionally: Each person must be psychologically capable of understanding what the marriage commitment entails and must be capable of committing to it.

Consent offered under fear or duress invalidates a marriage. Consent given under certain restrictive conditions also invalidates a marriage. Consent must assume that marriage is “till death do you part.”

Four, the couple must consent to what the church intends by marriage: that is, fidelity, indissolubility and openness to children. Essentially, marriage must be free, total, faithful and fruitful. It is to these vows that the bride and groom say, “I do.” If the bride or groom withholds consent to any of these promises, then they are not truly married.

For more answers on a proper marriage, it is best that you get help from your parish priest.

Free will is a gift. Sadly, that gift can be abused. You are not responsible for the actions of your parents. But that does not mean that you, as well as your brothers and sisters, will avoid being affected by the consequences of their actions. Focus on the sufferings of Christ on the cross, for his sufferings are much greater than any crosses we bear. With the grace of God, work at forgiving your parents and embrace your daily cross through prayer and the sacraments.

For “God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength” (1Corinthians10:13). Bear your cross gladly and in it you will find wisdom, understanding, love and supernatural strength.

Please know that you and your family are in our prayers.