Still married after a civil divorce?

Q My friend had her first marriage annulled after meeting a widowed man who became her second husband. The second marriage was at Mass; both were practicing Catholics. She soon found it impossible to live with her new husband’s children and a civil divorce followed.

Though they are keeping separate households, she claims they plan to remarry when their children are grown. In the meantime they spend a night or weekend together in her home whenever they feel the need. This upsets her teenage daughter, who has started to be a behavior problem. My friend says it is OK to sleep with her ex-husband since they are still married in the eyes of the church. What is the church’s view of this situation? (Illinois)

A She is correct. According to church law, they are still married. And I assume they still believe they are married in the eyes of God. They still apparently have a sexual, emotional and intimate sharing of their lives, except that they don’t live together, which, under the circumstances, seems the only way they can continue their relationship.

I wonder first of all why they got divorced. If their present situation and future plans are as you describe, there was no need for civil action. They could have lived separately without that, and possibly avoided all the problems they’re encountering. So maybe there is something more involved that she hasn’t told you, or perhaps that she herself does not know.

Perhaps her daughter has a strained relationship with her new stepfather, and her acting out is her way of expressing her unhappiness with her mother for continuing that involvement. Or maybe she is, as you indicate, unaware that her mother and the new husband are still in a sacramental marriage and, from that aspect at least, acting in a morally permissible manner.

Whatever the reason, the problem your friend faces is a human problem, not an explicitly religious one, and she needs to find out why the daughter is reacting the way she is, and deal with that. The daughter may need some counseling, maybe along with her mother, to help her deal with her feelings about the stepfather.

It’s also possible she needs to understand more clearly the reasons why what her mother is doing is not morally wrong. Depending on where she is in the teen years, she may not be able to assimilate the gray areas present here.

You’re either married or you’re not, and if you’re not you shouldn’t have this kind of intimacy. Period. In this case, she may be more ready to accept an explanation if it comes from someone other than her mother, like an adult friend or priest, someone she trusts.

Your friend surely realizes she and her “ex” are in a most unusual arrangement. They need to deal patiently with anyone who is puzzled by it.

May I take the tours?

Q I have opportunities to join bus tours where the schedule does not coincide with Sunday Mass times along the way. Is it permissible to go on these tours when that is the case? (North Carolina)

A Participation in Sunday Mass is an essential part of Catholic life, as it has been throughout Christian history. If one otherwise faithfully participates in Sunday Mass, however, church law does not prohibit occasionally missing in the situation you describe.