IN LITTLE WAYS

On forgiveness

“As we forgive those who trespass against us.” How many times have you and I said these words? How many sermons have we heard on forgiveness? What does it mean, though, to forgive someone? How does that actually work outside church, in the real world?

I know what forgiveness doesn’t mean. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. When someone apologizes, we often respond, “No problem” or “It’s okay.” That may be true, if the offense is minor, like spilling wine on the new carpet. Sometimes, though, we just don’t want to admit how much we’ve been hurt, like when a friend betrays a confidence. Forgiveness means we acknowledge our wounds and then choose not to wound in return.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean we have to have warm, fuzzy feelings for the transgressor. Wounds take time to heal. We can forgive the woman whose careless driving killed the family dog without feeling compelled to have her over for supper. We forgive when we choose not to hit back. We don’t have to like someone to show them love.

Forgiveness and justice are two separate matters. Society cannot survive without laws and the enforcement of those laws. Like all citizens, Christians strive for fair laws applied fairly. We serve as legislators, police officers, court personnel, witnesses and jurors. Naturally, we try to resolve our personal disputes peacefully and privately. If all our efforts fail, however, we certainly can appeal for help from the law. While we pursue justice, though, we must guard against vindictiveness. Whether it’s a robber, a dishonest employee or a crooked contractor, we must treat our opponent with the respect due any child of God.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean being stupid. An abused wife may forgive her husband. That doesn’t require her to move back in with him. We might forgive a politician for lying to us, but we sure don’t have to vote for him. Christians don’t have to be doormats.

Forgiveness means we don’t harbor grudges. If I forgive my husband for flirting with another woman, I can’t bring it up every time we quarrel. One translation of the Lord’s Prayer says, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” This reminds us that once we forgive, the other person doesn’t owe us anything. They don’t have to be extra nice to us forever. We can’t continue to treat them with suspicion.

Forgiveness is trust. It’s making peace. We put down our weapons and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. True, we might get hurt again, but walking around in body armor with our guns cocked is exhausting. It’s no way to live.

Really, all of God’s commands are simply guidance on how to be happy. If we refuse to forgive those who injure us, we give them the power to hurt us over and over again. Our bitterness and resentment keep the pain they caused alive. Our enemies don’t suffer from our anger and hatred. We do. Unforgiveness can destroy our spiritual, psychological, and even physical health.

Forgiveness means letting it go. It’s a refusal to live in the past. Yes, we’ve been hurt and hurt badly. We refuse, though, to dwell on our injuries. We’d rather focus on the beauty and joy available to us today in this moment.

Forgiveness, Christ tells us, is a two-way street. If we cannot forgive others, we won’t believe that we are forgiven. If our hearts haven’t felt love overcome injury, even a little, we won’t be able to accept the reality of God’s love for us. If we have no personal experience with forgiveness, the crucifixion is a tragedy, and we will never know Easter.